Understanding Abuse Biblically
2 Timothy 3:1-5
By Wendy Wood
One of the saddest and most difficult types of counseling cases occur when abuse is happening within the home. Our culture has produced so much information on the topic of abuse that it can be challenging to stay within biblical categories of words and behaviors. I hope that by using 2 Timothy 3 as a foundation for what abuse is and where it comes from, you will be able to address the sinner with scripture and confront the specific heart idolatry and specific words and actions that are sinful. I also hope that the study of 2 Timothy 3 will help a sufferer understand that abuse comes from the abusers’ heart. A wife does not cause her husband to sin, which is one of the lies most often told to the abused person.
The Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC) has defined abuse based on three main areas of sinful behavior that are present in abusive or oppressive relationships. It is important that abuse is not defined by experience, but by the definitive truth of the Word. The three categories help organize elements of abuse and are clearly seen in the study of 2 Timothy 3:1-5.
Let’s define abuse as ACBC does.
First, physical abuse encompasses actions that harm the body including but not limited to beatings, sexual assault, physical or sexual coercion, sleep deprivation, starvation, or confinement.
Second, verbal abuse involves patterns of degrading and dehumanizing communication in all forms, including threats of violence to spouse or child, threats of continued abuse, threats of suicide and self-harm, lying, and manipulation. Spiritual manipulation may happen when misuses or misinterpretations of Scripture are enforced in order to be a stumbling block, oppress, or control another person.
Third, scheming includes intentional efforts and plotting by the abuser to inflict harm by threatening future abuse, continuing abusive behaviors, concealing past abuse, or hiding the scope of the abuse.
Scheming against another can consist of limiting access to material assets, isolating from social relationships, and controlled monitoring of the individual. While scheming can take many forms, it is marked by evil intentions and using resources to inflict harm (Psalm 5:6; Psalm 7:14; Psalm 35:4; Psalm 40:14; Psalm 70:2; Psalm 71:10).
As we consider these categories of abuse, we can look to scripture to see specific ways these sins are rooted in the heart of a self loving person.
One of the key passages to understanding an abusive person is 2 Timothy 3. Scripture identifies abuse clearly as sin. Sadly, many of these descriptions match a person who is abusive. The sin comes from within his own heart.
“But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people”. (2 Timothy 3:1-5)
This list of what a “lover of self” looks like accurately describes an abusive husband. A lover of self is someone who has a self-centered attitude. A lover of self will say and do whatever it takes to get his way. Abuse includes the added dimension of tactics involved. A mentality of caring only about self leads to words and actions that are designed to dominate and force compliance. The list of tactics will follow the examples of a “lover of self”. Look at how each word used in this passage describes a person who loves self.
Lover of Self
A lover of self is only concerned with selfish interest. They do not consider others more significant than themselves and they do not love God as evidenced by their lack of obedience to His word (Phiippians 2:3-4; Matthew 22:37). The Greek word means “to make self his friend.” A lover of self is intent on his own interest and will use whatever means necessary to get the respect and honor he feels he is owed. They will insist that everything be the way they want it at the expense of their family members.
Second, a lover of self is a lover of money. This person pursues materialistic gain, is covetous of what others have, is greedy, often lying about taxes or looking for quick ways to make lots of money. A lover of money wants the pleasure that money can buy. Abusive men tend to love money and the status they feel from having money. Often abusive men prevent their wives from spending money and restrict or monitor every penny spent. Their love of money leads them to spend on themselves, but restrict what others are allowed to buy with “his money”. The Greek word means “friend of silver” meaning that they want to spend time with and enjoy things considered valuable.
A lover of self is proud. He has a high opinion of his own importance and seeks after his own glory. Rather than desiring God’s glory to spread, this person wants his own name to be known. The Greek word means “vagrancy”, calling to mind someone who doesn’t belong or is an empty pretender. A proud person has nothing to be proud of as he is a sinner and completely dependent on God for everything in his life. He pretends to be what he is not.
A lover of self is arrogant. He makes claims of being superior to his wife. He will often put her down and belittle her to elevate himself. This Greek word is a compound word meaning “to appear” or to be seen as “very chiefest” or “exceedingly abundant”. The abuser’s aim is to be seen as the best and smartest. He sees himself as the one with all the right answers and everyone else should defer to him.
The list includes the description “abusive”. An abusive person is harsh, speaks evil, and reviles others. The Greek word blasphēmos means to “hurt someone’s fame”. The abuser harms his wife with harsh and degrading words. Actions such as intimidating with his size or a “death stare” serve to further put someone down.
An abuser is disobedient to authority. The abuser has a rebellious heart that rejects rules for himself. He is above the rules whether it is the church, boss, or government. He will not submit to any authority from the heart, though he may appear to obey if it gains him respect or good standing among a group he wants to impress. This Greek word is the negative form of obey and trust. This person refuses to be compliant and is disobedient to serve his own purpose.
An abusive person is ungrateful. A sense of entitlement is a key identifier for an abuser. He feels he is owed or due the best of everything, especially how his wants and preferences are met. He feels entitled to a comfortable life that is under his control. He thinks he is owed service by his wife and children. The Greek word is the negative form of giving freely or being generous. He is ungrateful because he thinks he deserves better. He will never be satisfied because things could always have been done better or more to his liking.
The list from 2 Timothy 3 includes being unholy. Something or someone who is unholy is wicked. Unholy is calling evil good. This person is far from God, even though he vehemently professes to be a believer. He is in rebellion to the holy, holy, holy God and sees his sin as justified and right for the occasion. He calls his behavior good and necessary though it is evil. He justifies his harshness as needing to bring his wife into submission both to himself and the Lord. Most abusive men are enslaved to pornography but justify it as not harming anyone. He excuses his anger as a holy response to his wife’s sin. He is spiritually blind.
An abuser is heartless. He is unloving toward his wife and most other people. Though he may appear to be friendly or appear to love others, those actions actually serve his own purpose and meet a desire he has. It may be the abuser wants to be known as a kind boss so he appears kind at work because it benefits his reputation. An abuser may give money to charity but only because he gets something in return, whether that is perks, status, or reputation. The abuser is heartless because he doesn’t care about other people, only himself.
An abuser is unappeasable. He does not make peace, he is quarrelsome, and will not reconcile through genuine repentance. He will not take responsibility for his sin so the repentance is not genuine. He feels owed forgiveness if he crosses a line in his own mind rather than seeing forgiveness as the gift of grace it is. He does not offer forgiveness through grace but expects that others never wrong him again. He will make those who fail to meet his desires “pay” for their actions. Rather than seeking peace, the abuser will punish and give consequences when he is unhappy.
A lover of self is slanderous. He accuses and blames others. An abuser will put his sinful actions on other people and claim he had no other choice than to act the way he did. He was “forced” into the harshness or “was given no other choice” than to yell or belittle. He will accuse others of being at fault and will often use Scripture to prove his point. He is quick to point out other people’s sin, especially if they are godly men or women.
A lover of self is without self-control. He gives in to sensuality doing whatever feels good. He is unrestrained in pursuing comfort or pleasure. He is willing to say or do whatever he deems necessary to get his way. Often abusive men spend hours playing video games, going fishing, or playing golf. They may be in debt because they have over spent to indulge themselves. Many abusive men are drunkards and view pornography daily. Lacking self-control may be hidden from the public but the family knows the real man.
An abusive husband is brutal. He will behave with crude, coarse, savage, fierce, or hostile words and actions to get what he wants. His “me over you” attitude is displayed in whatever way will help him achieve his goal. He does not care about others so is willing to say and do what will get him his way.
An abuser does not love good. Someone who is far from God enjoys evil and darkness. This often is seen in abusers in sexual sin. An abuser often has a hidden sexual sin that is pervasive in his life. He will laugh at crude jokes or delight when someone is hurt or mocked. An abuser often seems callous to evil happening in the world as if those suffering deserve it. The Greek word is the negative form of “lovers of good men”. An abuser will find fault with pastors or elders. He will mock or put down godly men.
This list includes men who are reckless. They are unconcerned about consequences and focus on temporal living. Many abusers live well above their means. The desire to enjoy the pleasures of the world means they spend money on luxurious vacations, eating at expensive restaurants, and driving nice cars to be viewed as successful or important men. But secretly debt may be adding up.
An abuser is swollen with conceit. He is so blinded by pride he does not see his own sin. This is like the emperor who thought his new clothes were high fashion when he wasn’t wearing clothes at all! Everyone else knew he was naked, but the emperor thought he was regal in his royal attire. The abuser’s family will see and know all the areas of sin in this man’s life, but he will be able to pretend like he is right and holy. Often, wives are confused and upset that he doesn’t see the reality of his hypocrisy. He is spiritually blind to his own sin.
An abusive husband is a lover of pleasure rather than a lover of God. He lives for feeling good over valuing God’s glory. The Greek word means to befriend pleasure or lust. Since he lives to feel good, his expectation is that his wife and children will only do that which makes him feel good. Any behavior that interrupts his pleasure or any inconvenience that takes away his good feeling will be met with anger, disappointment, harshness, and punishing behavior.
An abuser within the church will have an appearance of godliness but deny its power. This man will pretend to be knowledgeable of the word and a man of prayer and worship. Many abusive men befriend pastors and elders and seek to gain a reputation of being a godly man. This makes it difficult for pastors and elders to believe that this man is abusive. This insidious trait of abusers harms the church and furthers the abuse to wives and children. But, this man will not display the fruit of a believer whose life has been changed by the Holy Spirit. The appearance of being a believer is not matched by what is in his heart. He is a lover of self and his appearance of godliness serves his selfish motive.
As biblical counselors we will encounter “lovers of self” and we will need to offer real help and hope to those who are married to “lovers of self”. Second Timothy 3:1-5 is helpful to both the sinner and the sufferer. It roots the evil behavior in the heart of the sinner and demonstrates clearly that a sufferer is not the cause of harsh treatment.